Being a Motherless Mom, is a perspective I know all too well. It’s a club I never wanted to join, it’s a badge I don’t wear proudly. And until I did trauma therapy, the ache for a mother in my heart throbbed like an open wound with every mom-daughter duo I’d witness out in public. Especially the moms who brought their own mothers to things that are exhausting to do alone, like wrangling kids at a grocery store or holding a grandbaby while her daughter eats a meal that’s hot. Thats what a motherless mom’s dreams are made of right there. What’s it like?!
My mother died when I was 13 years old. I hadn’t even gotten my first period yet and she died withing 5 months of being diagnosed with cancer. It was traumatic and fast. I then got married at 19 and became a mother at just 20 years old. I know what it’s like to not have a mother with you while giving birth to your first baby, or not having your mom there to call for parenting advice. It’s painful, vulnerable, and not fair.
I also have many friends who’ve painfully had to cut ties from their mothers just to function in a healthy way, and they too, don’t have the umbrella of matriarch wisdom or support as they pour out their lives for their families in the little years. They are motherless moms in their own way, too. But mostly, I’m referring to moms of young kids, who lost own their mothers too early, since that is my own story.
So I’ve decided to write up some practical advice for those of us who are blessed enough to still have our moms with us…
So how DO you love a motherless mom of littles?
1. Don’t be afraid to talk about her mom.
I remember when my daughter was 2, I used to show her pictures of my mom and share the songs she would sing to me, we would talk about how she’s in heaven and how we will see her again some day, how my mom maybe picked out her curly hair and smiled, we talked about her often so she could know who her grandma was. And in a lot of ways that was healing to me. Although I realized very quickly that some people don’t believe that’s healthy, or they felt it wasn’t appropriate. I had a family member mention to my husband that they thought my daughter should only talk about people who were alive. I can’t even describe how that twisted the motherless mom knife in my heart. The motherless mom in your life WANTS to talk about her mom who isn’t here.
She wishes she could show you her old pictures, and you’d take an interest in her life, who she was, how she lived. Because her mother was a part of who she was. She wants a part of her to live on through her children and she wants you to feel free to ask questions that don’t feel taboo. Refrain from feeling awkward, and just ask details about the mother she wishes was still here.
2. Acknowledge the loss.
Do you remember when you were in elementary school on the playground and someone you thought had an advantage over you asked you to play a sport with them? You knew it wasn’t a fair game because you weren’t as fast, didn’t have the right gear or maybe you were a whole foot shorter than them on the basketball court? Thats how it feels when you compare your mom loss at a much later age, (ex. your mom was around until your kids grew up, she was there for major milestones) or when you don’t acknowledge the pain and difference in her life with young children trying to navigate life without a mom. Acknowledge it, say it out loud often. It’s not about a competition it’s about seeing the loss of a young mother’s main support, and not comparing it to your same situation. Because it is NOT the same. I know firsthand the psychological damage of losing my mother as a child, but also the collateral damage of grieving that loss during every. major. milestone. Including and most importantly, when you need your mama the most, when you start to have babies yourself.
The motherless mom you know longs to have her grief seen, acknowledged, and to feel set apart. Not out of pity, but to show your support her in the loneliness of being in the trenches of motherhood without her mom. And before you think it, No. There are very rarely older women who will stand in and grandmother her kiddos, (unicorns in this day and age!) and if they do, none of them would love them like her mom would. Acknowledge that her life, is harder without that love and support.
3. Offer to help her in some way.
I will never forget being a young mother and seeing my friends post pictures of their moms in practically every outing, bringing her along even when she wasn’t needed just to hold the baby and dote on them. What a wonderful feeling it must be to see your mama love your own baby. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about, even though I have mostly healed from the gaping hole left from my loss. I don’t think I will ever stop needing a mom to be there for me, emotionally, and practically. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, “Man, I wish my mom were here to help me sort through this with my kids. Maybe I’d make the right choice” or “I wish I had my mom to babysit like all my friends do. Maybe my marriage would be better.” Mothers have a way of calming their daughters, bringing your best interest at heart, and as much as people like to say, “You don’t know if your mom would actually help you or be healthy if she were alive, maybe she’d be busy or dysfunctional?” Yea, maybe. But it’s easy for someone with a mother to say. You don’t realize how much her presence was needed until she isn’t there anymore. And us moms of littles NEED extra help. We don’t have our moms to soundboard toddler tantrums or to talk through the pediatrician visit with. No one to love our kids like a grandma, and no one to help us, like a grandma would.
I realize every mother daughter relationship isn’t perfect, and not every grandma would have been wonderful and helpful. It can feel invalidating to fantasize or acknowledge this loss to someone with a hard relationship with their own moms. But the difference is, a motherless mom of littles didn’t get the option for even one single lunch out with their own mother, no trips to grandmas, no motherly advice. They simply never had the option to even have a heated argument with their mom over parenting choices. They don’t get the choice.
4. Encourage her.
She’s never heard “You’re doing so well! You’re such a great mama.” from the mouth of her mother, and she wishes everyday she could. She needs extra assurance she’s doing this right. She has questions, more questions than she can put into words about how to do this motherhood thing. She has no mother to show her the way. This is why it’s so important to encourage her, at every chance. If you admire her in any way I know she’d probably start to cry if she knew how you’d felt.
You see, mothering without a mom of your own especially in the physically demanding years of young children, makes you question your every move. Am I picking the right preschool? Should I discipline this way? How should I handle potty training? Who will help me postpartum? She needs encouragement for her choices, more than you know.
She isn’t here.
There was no chance to even build a hard or healthy grandparent relationship.
There was no option to call her mom and discuss baby names, or ask advice.
She is walking around in life feeling like a piece of her is missing.
That you want to support or care for a motherless mom as she pours out her life in the tiring hard, exhausting work of mothering in the little years, matters more than she’ll ever tell you. She wants so badly to have her mother with her and doesn’t know how to articulate her loss all the time, its so appreciated you’re trying to understand her pain.
And if she could give you one last bit of advice…?
Hug your mama, tight.
