EMDR trauma therapy is something I never thought I’d do, nor was it something I was aware I needed. I also was naive to side effects of this therapy. The first time I heard the word “trauma” to describe my childhood was after about 6 months of going to talk therapy every 2 weeks. I then spent the next 7.5 years spending my time and money on spiritually based counseling. During this time, I gained understanding of mental health and emotional intelligence, and growing my relationship with God, (which was valuable to a point, for sure!) but I just kept hitting a wall with my seemingly uncontrollable reactions, anxiety, and this constant feeling of insecurity no matter what therapy options I tried. When I would go to pursue a change in habits or responses, it was like my brain and body wouldn’t let me. Everything in me screamed. Little did I know, I was reliving my past with every trigger, and that my brain was actually designed to do this to keep me safe.
Since my progress was minimal, desperation ensued, I decided to research alternative therapy options. I have 4 children I homeschool, 11 and younger, and I just didn’t have any more time to dump into something that wasnt working. So I decided to look into EMDR therapy online so that I could literally lock myself in a closet with a laptop, and hopefully heal.
Let’s dig into what this treatment actually is.
What is EMDR trauma therapy?
I began learning about EMDR in 2020 when I read the book “The body Keeps the Score”. I was dumbfounded to learn so much about how childhood, even infancy, affected every single person I knew. EMDR’s popularity began in 1987 By Dr. Francine Shapiro. In the book, EMDR is a tool used to process and recategorizing trauma in the brain. EMDR stands for “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing“. Although it’s considered a newer form of therapy, many celebrities have come out to say they have had success treating their trauma with EMDR, examples include Prince Harry, Lady GaGa, and Sandra Bullock. After reading this book, I began educating myself further about the effects of trauma on the brain and body system.
EMDR therapy can in most cases be done online. I realize not every trauma expert of therapist agrees on this, but I am a walking testament to the benefits of doing EMDR virtually. In searching for a qualified therapist, I made very sure to find someone with credentials, first and foremost. I did hear of stories where the outcomes of EMDR weren’t ideal, and I truly believe that can be due to the lack of training by the therapist in this specific field.
What EMDR side effects did I have?
EMDR is such a unique form of processing because it almost allows us to viscerally go back in time, and witness what we felt subconsciously, what emotions were suppressed, or what we needed during a certain traumatizing event in our lives in hopes of desensitizing ourselves to the triggers. It is a process, and for me personally, it was one that started off quite intensely.
Negative Side Effects-
As one would expect, the biggest and first side effect associated with beginning to acknowledge the trauma I was processing…was deep, intense sadness, anger, and grief. Because trauma is a spectrum and varies from person to person, this side effect was actually a bit extended for me. I have also learned through EMDR I had a significant number of suppressed emotions. It felt like I dug into a wound that had scabbed over, like I had rebroken a bone. It was honestly, brutal. (How someone responds emotionally to EMDR can be due to the amount of trauma, and the consistency of it in childhood.) For me, I had to grieve. I had to let out what I was made to shove down to survive.
The next side effect I experienced was Night Terrors or bad dreams. This one caught me off guard because I wasn’t aware that me dreaming was also a way my brain was processing. And this can also be a sign that EMDR is effective and aide to the therapeutic process. Being so emotional, and not sleeping well, was hard physically to overcome parenting and homeschooling my children. I still often look back and wonder how I was able to push through.
Alongside these 2 side effects, I immediately felt exhaustion. Almost every session (weekly) I would not be able to make it a complete day without napping or at the very least laying down. I remember laying down with my kids every night to put them to bed, and it took an extreme amount of emotional and physical strength. And as you read above, I’d sleep as well as I could and when I could given the night terrors I was also experiencing.
Some other negative side effects of EMDR were:
- eliminating codependency– I call this a negative side effect not because it isn’t necessary and good in the long run, but because it can cause you to question how you participation in certain relationships, and its…well…not fun to have relationship dynamics messed with.
- Brain Fog– I’m not sure if this is directly related to EMDR, but I had a short period of time where it felt like all the processing caused memory issues and an overall haziness. I recall having issues focusing while in the thick of EMDR.
Before you panic…
These experiences are normal in EMDR, and they were short lived. (6 weeks collectively) Everyone’s experiences are different, but what you’ll see next is, these side effects were a small price to pay for what I’ve gained.
Positive side effects-
Before I continue, there is something to note here: EMDR will not remove an entire trigger, but from what I’ve read and experienced it will lessen the trigger in severity. Ex. a trigger that lasted 2 days before EMDR, will now last me 15-20min.
The first noticeable change I experienced was an increase in confidence and a boost in self esteem. Before EMDR, I would normally be panicked by what people had thought of me, or how I would come across in social events, I was in general deeply insecure from a childhood of shame, abuse, and criticism. My first social opportunity after about 8 weeks of consistent EMDR wasn’t without nerves, but it never overtook me like it had previously. I noticed my internal dialogue became a bit quieter, and kinder to myself than previously. I took myself less seriously when I was awkward or talked too much. I had a bit more confidence in my abilities and was less focused on my insecurities. This side effect in particular took me by surprise. From the research I’ve done and with the insight of my therapist, confidence can be gained when EMDR reprocessing quiets down the way trauma shames our inner thoughts. Basically, our brains don’t need to shout to get our attention and focus on the non-resolved trauma anymore!
Next, I almost immediately noticed a lessening of anxiety. Because I had medical trauma, physical and emotional abuse in my past, this one was a huge issue for me. It caused me to miss out on so many life experiences. I was petrified of the world, sickness, death, and relationships. In particular, I became very dependent on holistic health to combat my deep fear of ending up like my parents, who both died of cancer. After EMDR, I still very much acknowledge the role that holistic health plays in overall health. I take care of my body and care a lot about how I live and eat, but I no longer feel such a strong pull to attempt to control my future. (this is what I was doing subconsciously)
I also am able to uphold boundaries with less fear of how the other person will perceive me. (Piggy backing on my increased confidence) For example, I still get anxious thoughts. They come often, but the fits of anxiety and panic attacks that used to last days, only last 20 minutes tops. Of course there are lots of factors to contribute to anxiety, and I am constantly battling unbalanced hormones which do contribute (hello PMS). But now, I no longer live expecting the worst case scenario, or if I do it lasts very minimally compared to before EMDR. From what I’ve read and experienced, this is because my brain needed to process many painful memories and experiences, which taught my brain to believe I was constantly being threatened. Once processed, my brain no longer constantly alerts me to be hyper aware. I cant believe how much I missed out on from being so afraid and anxious, I look back with much clearer eyes now…now, I can finally LIVE.
Some other positive side effects I experienced were:
- lessening IBS symptoms- Full disclosure, I also did a parasite cleansing protocol and tried to manage gut issues with supplements, but I did notice a change correlating with when I did EMDR
- Holding boundaries in relationships– I alluded to this previously, but I feel it deserves to be emphasized. I was much more able to hold firm uncomfortable boundaries in my relationships that didn’t cause depilating anxiety or cause me to betray myself in the end.
- Comprehending and naming my types of abuse– Might sound silly to some, but I truly had no idea what really happened to me until I processed it in EMDR. I learned just how severe my trauma was, how consistent it was, and am able to name the types I went through. I even processed repressed memories I had no recollection of. Extreme validation was an emotion I felt as a result.
Other thoughts…
I fully believe that the mind, body and spirit are truly aligned in the human body. I believe that when the mind is full of trauma, the unbalance there speaks to every cell in our bodies. I’d almost say that dealing with our deep emotional pain is top priority in living a healthy, thriving life. BUT I also now fully believe that there is a spiritual side to the dynamic that may not be everyone’s experience. When I went through EMDR, I felt and experienced a spiritual component that left me (someone with religious abuse, mind you) feeling really confident in the spiritual aspect of what trauma does to our belief systems. Experiencing trauma can leave us open to spiritual attack and believing the worst about God. It happened to me. And although my experience is not the norm in EMDR, I would be amiss to not mention the spiritual freedom I also viscerally felt and experienced in processing the deepest, most tragic and painful events of my life. The Mind/Body/Spirit are hugely intertwined, and I know firsthand from my experience, the oppression that can associate traumatic events, and how freeing it feels to be released of that kind of darkness.
What I’m doing now?
The healing I found in doing EMDR, was the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. But in that I’ve realized, what comes after may be 100 times more difficult than facing all of your pain. It’s the work to break habits, patterns, beliefs, trauma bonds and applying what is actually healthy and functional. These are endeavors I’ve strived for my entire adult life, but now I am not fighting upstream. My brain isnt working against me anymore, and I can finally make the changes I’ve always wanted to. There is just still work to be done!
As a matter of fact, now with much more capacity and brain space, I am in what my therapist calls the “Julia Roberts phase”, **que the scene in Runaway Bride where she is testing out eggs to see what she actually enjoys eating after many years of adapting her likes to the current relationship she was in.
I’m excited to get to experience life through the lens of someone without trauma brain. And I honestly wonder what so many people who grew up in safety have to complain about!
So far?…Its beautiful out here.
Quick disclaimer- This is MY personal experience. I’m not a licensed therapist, or doctor. I’m just a mom who wanted to give her family a better version of herself. Do not take this as medical advice, and I realize many others experiences may be different.
This is a great site on the actuall process of EMDR trauma therapy and Here is another view at the possible side effects of EMDR.
